Being a Critic

Art puzzles me.

Perhaps because I have a more scientific look on life, I can’t get past a cigar just being a cigar. The meaning of art is something I struggle with. If the artist has placed meaning in their work, I can understand and follow that, but it is the hidden or interpreted meaning that I cannot grasp. If not explicitly stated does the esoteric story of a painting really exists, or do experts place their own thoughts onto art?

I like modern art, yes I think it is just blobs of colour in random arrangements but I like that. I’m fond of a Mondrian. In fact, during my Art GCSE my artist study was Mondrian.

This meant while the others in my class were slaving away over replica Van Gogh or Monets I could paint a few black lines and colour in a few squares with primary colours. I could get just as good a grade as the real works of art and it made me realise that how much someone works at a piece of art is unimportant. What matters is that it either looks good or the artist can convince you it is good.

This may have been Van Gogh problem

Rather than being able to convince others in his lifetime he was a genius he came across as mad and desperate. Why would you buy artwork from a man like that, you want someone brash and able to sell his work? This is how Damien Hirst survives in the art world.

The art world is often like the Emperor’s New Clothes, you are told you only get art if you are clever so when confronted with a confusing piece of work you have to feign understanding and talk about the juxtaposition of the light. Inside you are thinking what is this crap but if you do, you’ll be ridiculed by those around you who are as equally befuddled.

Mama-G is the small child who points out the nakedness of the Empower. When confronted with the amazing Guernica by Picasso she took a few seconds to look at it, went “nope… Don’t get it” and walked off. Even though I know all the meaning in the painting (of which there is a lot) I was so proud that while everyone else stood in reverent silence, my Mum expressed her feeling without worrying about what others thought.

This “representation” of meaning is something that puzzles me. I once did a university course in media full of interpreting films and TV for hidden messages. Why are neanderthals given dark skin, is it possible that the creators of the program are unknowingly racially bias?

Or maybe because it is more scientifically accurate that way.

Art is wonderful, the world would be a much more dull place without it. We should not put it on a pedestal (unless it’s a statue… They look good on pedestals) but be art you like and art you don’t.


In charge of the Internet

Followers, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come to bury the Internet, not to praise it. The nonsense that men post lives after them; The good is oft interred with their likes. I propose therefore that we unite and arise. Arise, Followers of Geek Ergo Sum! Hit counts will shall be shaken and drafts splintered! A post a day… a red day… ere the sun rises!

Let today be the beginning of a glorious new era of the Internet as we rally together and form the United Nations of Bloggers, and it is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. I love the internet. I love the Republic. Once this crisis has abated, I will lie down the powers you have given me, but for today I shall lead UNoBs.

I have banned anyone unable to post on Facebook from posting. Are you a cat? Then you cannot type and have no place posting. Are you an infant? Facebook has rules about how old you can be to use the site and by replacing your parents in my newsfeed you are breaking the law. Are you a chain letter telling me to share with a hundred people or I get Ebola? Then you are inanimate and unable to post, or even read this.

Once I have resolved the Facebook issue, I plan to focus on search engines that aren’t Google. You should give in and accept you lost Bing. Remember did Thomas Edison give up when he couldn’t invent the electric light bulb? Of course not, he stole someone else’s invention from their widow and passed it off as his own.

Youtube, you will allow me to search for other videos while watching a video and not change the page so I lose the video I am watching. While I’m at it I’m glad you’ve got rid of anonymous posting. This will make it much easier for my secret Internet “safety” police to identify anyone who will post nasty hate comments on my videos of Vice President Fluffy Whiskers.

  • Automatic playing adverts – Banned
  • E-Commerce sites that don’t allow guest checkouts – Banned
  • Sites that make it difficult to cancel your account or unsubscribe – Banned (in the sense that they have to make it easy)
  • Any download link that requires additional clicks to download something – Banned
  • Sites that disagree with me – Banned
  • Sites that have lots of mobile traffic and still use Flash – Banned
  • Sites that demean others by judging other’s lifestyle, fashion or appearance – Banned
  • The Daily Mail Online – Banned
  • Poorly designed websites – Banned
  • Memes over 7 days old – Banned
  • People who post memes over 7 days old – Banned

The Internet’s death was a terrible tragedy; but to lose our freedom of speech, which had barely lived… For me it is a deep personal loss. So it is with a heavy heart that I assume the throne. Yet, out of the ashes of this tragedy, we shall rise to greet the dawning of a new era… in which Internet and User come together, in a great and glorious future!