In charge of the Internet

Followers, Romans, countrymen, lend me your ears. I come to bury the Internet, not to praise it. The nonsense that men post lives after them; The good is oft interred with their likes. I propose therefore that we unite and arise. Arise, Followers of Geek Ergo Sum! Hit counts will shall be shaken and drafts splintered! A post a day… a red day… ere the sun rises!

Let today be the beginning of a glorious new era of the Internet as we rally together and form the United Nations of Bloggers, and it is with great reluctance that I have agreed to this calling. I love the internet. I love the Republic. Once this crisis has abated, I will lie down the powers you have given me, but for today I shall lead UNoBs.

I have banned anyone unable to post on Facebook from posting. Are you a cat? Then you cannot type and have no place posting. Are you an infant? Facebook has rules about how old you can be to use the site and by replacing your parents in my newsfeed you are breaking the law. Are you a chain letter telling me to share with a hundred people or I get Ebola? Then you are inanimate and unable to post, or even read this.

Once I have resolved the Facebook issue, I plan to focus on search engines that aren’t Google. You should give in and accept you lost Bing. Remember did Thomas Edison give up when he couldn’t invent the electric light bulb? Of course not, he stole someone else’s invention from their widow and passed it off as his own.

Youtube, you will allow me to search for other videos while watching a video and not change the page so I lose the video I am watching. While I’m at it I’m glad you’ve got rid of anonymous posting. This will make it much easier for my secret Internet “safety” police to identify anyone who will post nasty hate comments on my videos of Vice President Fluffy Whiskers.

  • Automatic playing adverts – Banned
  • E-Commerce sites that don’t allow guest checkouts – Banned
  • Sites that make it difficult to cancel your account or unsubscribe – Banned (in the sense that they have to make it easy)
  • Any download link that requires additional clicks to download something – Banned
  • Sites that disagree with me – Banned
  • Sites that have lots of mobile traffic and still use Flash – Banned
  • Sites that demean others by judging other’s lifestyle, fashion or appearance – Banned
  • The Daily Mail Online – Banned
  • Poorly designed websites – Banned
  • Memes over 7 days old – Banned
  • People who post memes over 7 days old – Banned

The Internet’s death was a terrible tragedy; but to lose our freedom of speech, which had barely lived… For me it is a deep personal loss. So it is with a heavy heart that I assume the throne. Yet, out of the ashes of this tragedy, we shall rise to greet the dawning of a new era… in which Internet and User come together, in a great and glorious future!